Aside from sporting events and gay bars, I have often wondered where all the men are. And since I can't handle watching more than one spectator sport a month and certainly can't stand walking into a bar full of gorgeous men and having them only notice my shoes, I knew there had to be another way. I just never realized that the other way, thanks to the marvels of technology, could be as simple as a mouse click away. Forget the sexy, strappy shoes...this type of scamming, scoping, trolling and man-hunting can be done in my favorite fuzzy slippers.

There are two ways to conduct this online date shopping. One is by answering any of the thousands of ads posted and the other is to create a cleverly written and enticing ad of your own. Not only can you put up a photo, you have the opportunity to list everything you do and don't want in a partner. Not that this necessarily works, I can't even begin to count the letters from guys I received that began with...

"I feel I am everything you are looking for, except..."(here's where a list longer than I have the time or patience to read appears)
or
"I see here you want a tall man. I am only 5'7" but I make up for it in enthusiasm."
or
"Although I am 20 years over your age requirement, I just want you to know that I don't feel a day over 40!"

I was beginning to favor the aggressive style of man shopping (going out and finding my own) over the passive (waiting for a good response to my ad), but decided the only way to come to a fair and knowledgeable conclusion in this experiment would be to date from both. So, after I sifted through the hundreds of responses I got and combed through another hundred or so of the ads out there, I had my project underway.

My first date was from the aggressive style; I found his ad, liked what I saw and read and contacted him. We met at a restaurant bar drinks. He looked just as good as I hoped from his little 2X2 photo and was really tall. Score! Wait....then the conversation began.

"So why don't you wear earrings?" he asked after shaking my hand.

Is he fucking serious! Who cares? And hasn't he anything more interesting to ask me about myself? Luckily, we started talking about other topics, but it wasn't long before he began talking about his masturbatory habits. I think the way he put it was...

"Sometimes I go through phases where I masturbate so much I don't even care if I have sex."

Wow! That was really profound. It's so necessary to know these things when you are a first, blind date with someone.

"So..." I responded. "Are you telling me this because you have read my columns and feel comfortable talking about sex with me? Or, would you talk about this with any of your blind dates?"

He told me that he would talk about it to anyone. And as inappropriate as it seemed, there was still something intriguing about someone who is totally open. What the hell, I write about masturbation all the time. And no one I know goes longer without sex than I do. Maybe Whacker Boy and I really did have a lot in common!

The next date was with someone who found me and we met at a coffee house. He was a really sweet guy who was apparently very lonely. He was also a workaholic, which was his excuse for turning to the personals. The conversation was decent, but something was lacking. At first I couldn't figure out what it was, then after he talked about some of his past relationships, I realized what was missing. It was his spine. He even said that his ex used him as a doormat. I knew at that moment there would be no future for me and Wimp Boy and thought of sending him to see a good dominatrix to whip him into shape.

The last date was with a guy that I found and he was awesome. We met for dinner and, even though our entire order was screwed up including the drinks, he was absolutely cool. He made me laugh, had interesting things to say and made no references to masturbation, my attire or any ex-girlfriends. The night flew by and before I knew it, it was 2 AM. It's rare that 6 hours goes by so quickly, but this was just about as perfect as a first date goes. He can be called the Wonder Boy.

Although this experiment is technically over, I doubt I will stop using the Internet as a viable way to meet cool men. I know there's somewhat of a stigma about it, but now that I consider myself a bit of an expert in the field, I would have to say it's a lot better than most people think. And the misconception about desperate losers using the personals is wrong. I have met mostly successful, attractive and intelligent guys who use the personals because they are either busy or completely tired of hanging out at bars. Besides, how many quality people can you really meet at a bar? Now don't think that I am too idealistic about this, I have come across some pretty strange characters out there and men who are so pathetic and mean that they comb the ads and send hate mail to the attractive women who have specific preferences that they obviously lack. But it's pretty easy to tell the good from the bad, and all someone really needs is a bit of discretion and common sense.

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