Girl Talk
During one of my all girl slumber parties last week, we somehow landed on the subject of men. I know you are all completely surprised and wonder what would make a bunch of half naked babes in their sexual prime want to talk about that. Well, perhaps it was because we had already solved all the worlds problems and were feeling bored, or more likely it was because we were watching a movie and this unbelievably hot guy began undressing. Usually we saved our boy talk for when we were eating, but in this intimate moment of jammies and red wine, we all felt compelled to share the messy details of our sex lives. One of the primary things discussed when we bring up those of the opposite sex is penis size. Even if we are talking about something that has nothing to do with sex, penis size just seems to slip right in.
Kellee, who has more boyfriends and stories than the entire group combined, had a handful of juicy tidbits about Mr. Fatty (not referring to his belly) from San Diego, who was on an extended visit. He just happened to have some friends in town with him, players for a major baseball team that I will kind enough not to name. They had all partied the night before and ended up having one hell of an orgy with a couple other ladies from our handpicked group of lust-bunnies. Unfortunately, some of the athletes engaged in a little too much of a particular substance and had a less than successful time rising to the occasion. Therefore, Mr. Fatty took on the extra obligations earning him the new nickname, "Big Daddy Fatty".
Everyone was laughing at the story, everyone except Taylor, who was still nursing her cranny ache. I suggested she put a cold soft drink can between her legs and rest for a while. Then someone snapped a photo of her that will one day be added to the slumber party hall of shame album. My sister, Shannon, could not understand how someone could possibly hurt so much just from sex. Knowing who her boyfriend is really explains that one. She hasn't been getting much from him lately, either because of his newly discovered interest in hiring hookers, or because of the difficulty of maneuvering around his ever-expanding belly. Van called him a dick-do. Apparently, his stomach sticks out further than his dick do! No one really understands how such a gorgeous woman could be with such a jerk, but as we all know, it happens all the time. We told her that as soon as she recovers her spine, we will all throw a celebration in her honor.
Next, the ladies all rated the performance and endowments of their most recent sexual conquests. It was the kind of conversation that makes men's locker room smut sound like bedtime stories. Women do that, at least the ones that I hang with.
Sarah invented the "Dicktor Scale" and the girls were assigning numbers for the pathetic to the impressive, 10 being the highest. Once again, Shannon's boyfriend came up, however, this time is was his lack of size that was discussed. When asked if size does matter, we all decided it does, and whoever claims it doesn't is either a man, a liar or a virgin.
I was hoping I would get by without the usual narrowed eyes and questioning stares, but as always, someone asked the inevitable,
"So, Steph....getting any yet?"
How can I explain to these people that I live vicariously through my imagination and fantasies? Why do I need someone real when I have lusty images dancing full time through my head? OK, I'll get real. The truth is the one guy that I desire more than anyone needs a serious clue and I was too embarrassed to tell them that after 11 months of wanting him, we have finally gotten to first base. Out of all the hot, insatiable men out there, I had to fall for a modern day Ward Cleaver.
They could tell by the look on my face that I was trying to avoid the question and teased me about being involved with a coward. A couple were suggesting a blind date with a really "nice" guy from work. Blind dates with those described as nice are as scary as road kill that someone insists tastes like chicken.
I can't remember who passed out first or how the night ended, thanks to my favorite cabernet, but I do remember awaking with that warm, lovely feeling that only female bonding gives and a tremendous headache.