Dear Stephanie,

My husband is not interested in sex at all. I have tried everything possible to interest him, and he STILL has no interest. Do you think it would still be considered cheating for me to have sex with someone else? I realize this can be a very moral question. I did take my vows seriously, but how can I face going the rest of my life without feeling that connection to a man? It has been over 3 years since my husband and I had sex. Sometimes, it doesn't bother me much. But most of the time, it is all I can think about. I don't want a divorce, I just want to be held and touched. In case it matters, there is absolutely NO physical contact between us. He says he loves me. I've always felt it's important to be faithful and have sex with just one person at a time. I don't want to be considered a cheater.
--Desperate for contact

Dear Desperate,

No sex for 3 years, no physical contact of any kind and yet you don't want to get a divorce? What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? A warm body to have on the other side of your bed? Someone to take out the trash? Mow the lawn? You can hire cheap help for that. Sounds like a waste of space to me and his claim of love doesn't mean a whole lot when you're spending more quality time with your sex toys. And just because it's been 3 years since YOU have had sex, don't be so sure it's the same for him. His needs are obviously being met elsewhere, so why deny yours? Personally, I would divorce him and then get yourself a few hot men to fill the gaps, after all, you have 3 years to make up for. If for some crazy reason you do decide to stay with him, then go out and find someone to have sex with, but be honest with your husband about it. That way your are not a liar. And if you still feel it's important to be faithful to just one man, then make sure you don't cheat on your new boyfriend with your husband.

Dear Stephanie,

I can't seem to meet any women who like sex. I am constantly hearing excuses from headaches to bad timing. In the past seven months I have dated two different women who have made me wait several dates and then never put out. What am I doing wrong?
--Bummed

Dear Bummed,

Where are you meeting these glaciers? Hopefully you aren't hanging out at divorced and bitter support groups passing out your number! There are a lot of women and men out there with enough baggage to fill up an entire cargo train. Unfortunately, people become so jaded and cold that they lose touch with their sensual side and are terribly afraid to let themselves go. Here's the good news, you have a choice in the matter. There are definite signs that someone is an ice princess and you need to be on the lookout! First of all, watch out for women who start talking about their past boyfriends and all the horrible things they put them through. If you notice her making derogatory comments about men it could mean she has issues that are unresolved. Also, if you have already been on over five dates and you see the physical side going nowhere, it could mean it never will.

Of course, I refuse to let the women take all the blame and I need to address your approach. Women cannot stand a man who comes across desperate or needy. If you are projecting an "I'm in this for the pussy" attitude, then they have every right to hold out on you. Also, how is your hygiene? Most women are disgusted by foul odors emitting from your zipper, or any orifice for that matter. Do you bathe every day and brush your teeth? These are important little preparations for a sexually active man. Finally, if there is a little foreplay going on and your woman reaches down for a quick feel, finding it less than adequate, she may make her excuses and never go any further. For this little problem, I suggest a nice, firm sock.

Dear Stephanie,

Please help this 27 year old bi-sexual! I have been with the same girlfriend for about 9 months. She is a lesbian and doesn't like men too much, in fact she has never even experimented with one. Sometimes I feel as though she judges me for having attractions to them and I don't like to feel so trapped. I really miss having sex with men. Once I brought this up and she got so mad that she threatened to leave me. She is very dominant and told me that I would do well from being put over her knee and spanked. I really care for her and would like to keep seeing her, but also be able to have a man from time to time. I don't know if she is serious about the spanking, but I don't want to be in such a humilating situation! What should I do?
--Carissa

Dear Carissa,

Sounds like your girlfriend is a real bull dyke and would probably kick your ass. If I were you I'd find a hot bi-sexual babe who would like to share some gorgeous men with me and lose the cock hater! Tell your woman that every girl needs a good pumping from a plump sausage now and again. Then leave her and go get yourself the best of both worlds! As far as the spanking goes, I say give it a shot. You might discover another clit sweller that you can't live without.

Dear Stephanie,
You had a letter from a bisexual woman about a month ago who was upset that her lesbian girlfriend didn't want to share her with men. I am disgusted with her attitude and I feel the advice you gave was way too harsh. What the hell is a bi doing with a lesbian in the first place? I think you should have advised her that it was wrong of her to lead on a lesbian, even though we all know that bisexuals will have sex with anyone who crosses their path. I also think it was cold of you to call her girlfriend a bull dyke! I am a lesbian and would not fit into the category of bull dyke, but I refuse to have sex with a man.
--Frustrated Fem

Dear Fem,

The letter you are referring to was from a woman named Carissa, perhaps she and I were both a little harsh, but what I failed to mention was that she sent me a photo in her e-mail and YES, the girlfriend was a bull dyke! I'm talking big shoulders, tight Lee jeans, hairy arms and mullet. For those not familiar with the lovely mullet hairstyle, you can become educated at www.mulletsgalore.com or go through any Thornton,CO. yearbook. I believe that her particular brand of mullet is called the power-dyke-mullet according to mulletsgalore. If you remember my response to Carissa, I told her to be with a bisexual woman instead of a lesbian so that she could have a dish of man from time to time. Perhaps I should have advised her girlfriend to stay away from bisexuals, but she was a little busy at the tractor pull.

Dear Siren Chat,

I'm a one-time gun. Every time I have sex, I fall asleep pretty much right after. I can usually stay up long enough say goodnight to my girlfriend, but I'm never able to get hard again to do it more than once. My girl wants a stud who can go all night. I'm willing but my flesh is weak. Should I resort to Viagra, even though I'm under 30 and otherwise potent? Or how can I get her to understand that my one-timer-ness has nothing to do with how turned on I am?
-- Disposable in Denver

Dear Disposable,

I'm confused. Is your problem that you are a narcoleptic or just a lousy lay? If being too tired to rise to the occasion and falling asleep is the problem, then why don't you try to have sex in the morning, or middle of the day or any other time except bedtime? However, if it's more of an impotency thing then viagra is an option. Since I am no expert on the stuff, I passed your question on to one of my boy toys. Before you feel jaded by my passing the buck, just remember that anyone I would call a boy toy is quite an expert on stiffies. He said...

"Tell him to go ahead and try the viagra. It certainly works for me, sometimes too much!" (I think that was the part where I was bending over in front of him)

"His best bet would be to take a pill right after the first time he comes, and ugh...um.." (This would be where I removed my dress, revealing my black velvet bra, panties, and thigh high stockings)

"Oh Yes, he should be hard again within 30 minutes."

So there you have it, and expert opinion on viagra. Since I love to play doctor, let me just add that there are side effects to viagra. Sometimes guys get headaches, feel nauseous and dizzy. Other times it can make you have a constant hard on, which sounds pretty great, except is supposed to become quite painful. So, I guess you get to decide if it's worth it.
There are a couple of natural viagra alternatives out there, but I have no idea if they work. They are called Virile1 and Vitalize. I have one more piece of advice for you. The way I see it is if you don't come the first time, you will stay hard, so how about going all night that way. You do have dick control, don't you? Hopefully, just because you a one-time-gun, doesn't mean you are a one minute wonder!

Dear Stephanie,

I know that there are exercises for women to make themselves tighter. I just don't know how to suggest this to my wife without hurting her feelings. Can you help?
--Jim

Dear Jim,

I think the direct approach would be the best. Don't tell her she's as loose as the grand canyon, or that you can't feel it when you're in. Just tell her that you read in an article in one of your men's magazines that it's very enjoyable for a man when a woman squeezes his cock in pulsing motions during sex. Let her know that you are just dying to try this and do it often! This alone will give those muscles the much needed exercise to make her more like a glove. You can also tell her about the Kegel exercises. They are painless and can be done any where.Just don't be surprised if someday she finds an article on penis extensions and cock rings and begs you to try. Fair is fair!

Dear Stephanie

I have an Internet boyfriend that just recently gave me his phone number. We have never met in person and I haven't yet heard his voice. I would like to call him up and tease the hell out of him with some sexy words, but I am completely naive as to what to say. Is there a certain way to have phone sex? How do I start it? I want to drive him so crazy that he wants to see me in person.
--Speechless

Dear Speechless,

Assuming he is not a freak and you have seen pictures of him and know he is not 15 and has all his teeth, here is a fool proof plan...
Start by running a bath and just as you're about to step in, give him a call. Tell him you are naked and wet. Let him hear the water splashing around, this will conjure sexy images in his mind. Tell him to get undressed and describe to you how he is taking off his clothes. Then tell him to run his hands up and down his body, tell him you are doing the same. Describe to him what you are doing and how it feels. Ask him how his touching feels and how he is doing it. Breathe heavy, make noises. Get him right to the edge, to where you know he is ready to explode and then say...
"I am turning into a prune, I really need to get out of this tub. Can I call you back?"
I guarantee he will be begging to see you. And when he does, tell him to bring his cell phone and tease him the entire drive to your house. The rest is up to you.

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