Dear Stephanie,
Sometimes my girlfriend has powerful orgasms that nearly blow the roof off the house, other times I wonder if she's faking it because she barely shakes. How can a man tell if a woman really has an orgasm or is just putting it on?
--Suspicious
Dear Suspicious,
I have a serious problem with any woman who would fake an orgasm, because why give a man credit if it isn't deserved? How will he ever really learn how to please a woman? But, if you really think there's a possibility that she's pretending, then here's a few ideas. The first thing you need to do is figure out the difference between these earth shattering orgasms you spoke of and the suspect phonies. What are you doing different from one to the next? Physiologically, just before orgasm a woman's clit will begin to retract for approximately 15 to 20 seconds. Also, her heart rate and blood pressure will increase. (Here's where playing doctor comes in handy!) When she professes to come, does she have any goose bumps? Most women do. Do her thighs quiver? Can you feel her tremble and spasm inside? Does she grab on to you tightly and dig her nails in? Do her face and breasts become flushed? And, most importantly, afterwards does she lie there with a satisfied glow or does she disappear into the bathroom and start using something that sounds a lot like the blow dryer?
Dear Stephanie,
Sometimes when I extremely aroused I can't ejaculate. I have no problem with this as I'm experiencing waves of pleasure that go on and on because I get so hot. My girlfriend can't seem to understand this. She seems to think that she is somehow to blame, or that I don't think she's sexy enough. I'm feeling like I have to cum every time to please her. What should I do?
--Forced to Perform
Dear Forced,
I say a man who, from time to time, cannot ejaculate is a rare find! Who cares if your girlfriend doesn't understand it, what she really needs is to appreciate it. Besides the obvious reason of you being able to pound away for as long as she can take it, you need to point out to her that she is getting all that pleasure without the sticky, icky mess. Here is a poem you can present her to make her see it our way, you know how gooey women get when they receive poetry....
One less sheet to clean
No more oozy stains in your jeans
No chance of fertilization of your precious eggs
Never again to feel dripping down the inside of your legs
No thick throat, no spitting, no aftertaste
No extra protein to expand your waist
So you see I'm better that most chocolate brands
I won't melt in your mouth or your hands
How can she possibly resist this? If for some crazy reason she is still having a problem with your gift, then you will probably have to learn how to fake it.
Dear Stephanie,
I just met this 28 year old woman who says she has never had an orgasm before. Needless to say, the pressure is on. We haven't done anything sexual yet beyond a little kissing and petting, but the time is coming. Maybe it's just my ego, but I want to be the first to give her an orgasm. Can you tell me a sure way to make this happen?
--C.D.
Dear C.D.
It's so wonderful to see a man who is so concerned with pleasing a woman, it's a shame it's for your own selfish purposes. I barely remember the first guy who gave me an orgasm, but I do remember being eager to experience that feeling with many others. So watch out, you could just be fueling her experimentation fire. However, as a penis possessing person, it is your duty to see that this babe has her fill of God-given, female pleasure. (Not that a penis is at all necessary for her to experience an amazing orgasm.) Study the following formula for guaranteed success...
Lesson One-The Clitoris
Yes, it really exists and it's the most necessary element of the orgasm. Nonsense you say? You have made a woman scream with pleasure by just screwing her? I say... you have just been fooled by a woman who, for whatever moronic reason, fakes it. Women need clitoral stimulation to get excited and to have orgasms. It's really quite simple. Before you even consider fingering her, make sure you have made her really wet by rubbing her clit.
Lesson Two- The Mighty Tongue
You never told me what your age is, but hopefully by now you have learned the importance and necessity of going downtown. The best sex starts with an oral orgasm and then, and only then, is followed by intercourse. The way you dine is very important. Although all women are different, many agree that most men do it wrong. A lot of men watch pornos and think that the way they do it on screen is right. But, their techniques are meant to look good, not necessarily feel good. Consistency is the key. So many times I am right on the edge when, suddenly, the guy changes pressure or stops the licking to do some sucking. So much for my orgasm. Please don't do that if you want to get her off!
Lesson Three- Masturbation
Has your woman ever even tried to give herself pleasure? The best way to know to be pleased is to know how to please the self. Why don't you buy her a couple of sex toys and tell her to have fun experimenting with them? Also, offer your assistance if she needs it. The mighty tongue and a nice, thick vibrator make a great combination. If you try all of these things and she still can't come, then I would suggest therapy for her because it could be a mental thing. It's really no difference between that and a man who can't get it up. It ususally stems from some sort of mental or emotional problem.
Dear Stephanie,
I am about to lose it with my boyfriend! We have been together for about 6 months and it has been up and down, but lately it's down. He always seems to find something to fight with me about and it's usually something really stupid. Now his big gripe is that I won't swallow every time I give him head, and I am constantly giving him head. He actually walked out of my room in a huff the other night because I stopped just short of him coming. I don't understand this kind of thinking and I have never been with a man who was so demanding about that sort of thing. I love to suck dick, but I don't think I should have to swallow every time. Am I wrong? What should I do to make him happy and still not have to swallow every time?-
--Just call me the SpitQueen!
Dear SpitQueen,
That man needs a serious reality check. Does he realize how completely lucky he is to have a woman who sucks him all the time? There are countless women out there who refuse to go down at all, and here this ingrate is expecting you to deal with a nasty case of thick throat on a daily basis. Not that swallowing is bad, there are certain situations where it's exciting, but not with EVERY blowjob! I'd like for you to address these questions to your delusional boyfriend...
Does he give you an orgasm EVERY time?
Will he go down on you ANY time of the month?
When he massages you does he do your ENTIRE body EVERY time? (If you say he never massages you, then he really needs to be dumped!)
I suspect he doesn't go all out every time he does something for you, so you need to point this out to him. Personally, I would boot any guy who left my bedroom in a rage! He sounds like a spoiled baby and perhaps if you dump his sorry ass, he can go out and find him one of those women who never give head. That would serve him right and oh boy would he miss you then!
So do yourself a favor, stop worrying about how to make him happy in this situation. He is as lucky as they come to have a woman who loves oral and if I were you, I would go out and find someone more appreciative of my superior skills!
Dear Stephanie,
What should I do if my wife hates the taste of my cum? She tells me it's bitter and smells bad. I don't want to gross her out, but I do like a good blow job. Is there anything I can do to improve the taste or smell?
--B. H.
Dear B. H.
It is true that some men, just like women, have a sweeter taste and smell. I think it's very important to be as yummy as you can for your significant other, so try these tips.
1. Don't smoke. Cigarettes do more than stink up your breath and your body. Several women I know say that smokers always have more bitter tasting cum and more pungent smelling sweat.
2. Drink lots of water.
3. Take zinc.
4. Eat healthy food. Remember, a the better it is going in, the better it is going out.
5. And finally, get some goodies for her to lick off your cock so that she may associate the taste of your cum with the treat!
Dear Stephanie,
After reading your Q&A section on your web site, I see you are a big advocate of "going downtown" and to tell the truth I LOVE IT. Just doing it can usually make a limp, spent buddy come back to life. Problem is - the ONLY time my girlfriend seems to let me do it is...
1) When she is fresh out of the shower. (AKA - lovely soap smell instead of that wonderful sex smell.)
2) If she just happens to be buzzed or high enough to not notice that she just didn't leave the shower.
3) If she has just douched. (And I for one am not fond of vinegar.)
Sometimes she lets me just to let me - but never "gets there" because she is thinking "how dirty she is"... even though she's one of the cleanest people I know. I've only gotten her the big "O" maybe four or five times in 3 years... I personally consider this a terrible thing... mostly because women generally are multi-O's... or many lil 'O's strung together. It's always been my goal to get at LEAST one Big O before I use my manly equipment at ALL. I just wish I could figure out how to cure her of her thoughts of inadequacy and cleanliness.
--It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that stank
Dear stank lover,
Here's a little joke.
Q- What does the blind man say when he passes by the fish market?
A- "Good morning ladies."
Ever heard this one? So have a bizillion other people, and then we wonder why women get complexes about the cleanliness of their crannies. But the truth is, douches are bad news. Women's vaginas are more that just hot little love boxes, they are self-cleaning ovens and don't need that artificial cleansing. Douches can cause a list of problems, including yeast infections. Then not only will she worry about the smell, she will worry about the thick consistency of her juices. YUCK!
If it makes her feel better to shower before you head south, then take more showers together. It's a small sacrifice for you and will benefit your sex lives immensely. Also, keep wet wipes on the night stand for the chance that she will give you seconds. If for some reason you are still not able to produce the mighty O's, there could be a problem with your technique.
Dear Stephanie,
I have a serious problem with my boyfriend in the spunk department. To get right to the point, he tastes worse than anything my poor mouth has ever experienced. It is rank and stale and goes from disgusting to totally gagging depending on the day. I am not sure what would cause such a thing, and as an experienced swallower I have to say that I am dumbfounded. Do you know if this is a diet thing or if it means he's unhealthy or just plain gross? I haven't told him how I feel yet, but it really makes me want to keep his dick as far away from my mouth as possible!
--Puke Breath
Dear Puke Breath,
I did a little poking around on the whole ejaculate flavor issue and that juicy "stale semen" sideline. First of all, there seems to be a stunningly contradictory range of opinions as to whether dietary changes actually make a difference in flavor. I repeatedly found the infamous "no scientific evidence" statement which simply means that no one in a white coat fed men different suspect foods and then, after a healthy circle jerk, collected said output (AKA- spunk) and with a bib and spoon sampled the many nuances of taste.
There did seem to be a general agreement on specific types of foods....
Asparagus is a definite no-no, all the articles I found made mention of that. Some of the others to avoid are cruciferous veggies, garlic, and onion. I discovered in several places that dairy products have a really yucky (that's a technical term, you know) effect. So, it's not necessarily true that milk drinkers make better lovers - at least not when it comes to oral. There was another place that included meat and fish on the avoid list, claiming they give semen somewhat of a buttery flavor. Can someone pass me a muffin?
Now, as to the foods that have a much more positive effect, pineapple was way up there on everyone's list. Also, any diet high in fruits is preferable, especially kiwi, pineapple and watermelon. A couple of lists included celery and, interestingly enough, beer. And come to think of it, if you drink enough beer yourself, his funky spunk may not bother you as much.
I also came across something about exercise that I thought was interesting. There was a doctor who stated that semen is full of lactic acid. And as most of you know, working out raises lactic acid levels... so just imagine what all that pumping of iron does to what you will be pumping out of him later! That's right pungent and bitter semen. Add a generous serving of sweat to the mixture and it makes lesbianism sound very inviting.
I even found a company who has done "extensive research" (I wonder if it included the bibs and spoons) and has developed an "all natural" product for men to take in powder form. Mix it with your favorite juice and miraculously enough, funky spunk becomes yummy cum. The stuff costs about $60 a month and they're supposed to take it every day. I guess that assumes they're getting oral on a daily basis. And apparently, just like spray on hair and pet rocks, there must be a market for it.
Here is an idea for you to make the situation much more bearable. The next time you are giving him head, pop an Altoid in your mouth. Not only will the mint give you a wonderful and fresh taste, it will deliver him unbelievable tingles. Guys love it and so will you when the moment of truth arrives and that hideous taste is camouflaged with curiously strong peppermint.
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